


My love for you will never stop

by australia_mate



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: A Christian writes fanfic to show the character of God, Bible, Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Forgiveness, God Loves Crowley (Good Omens), God loves everyone, He misses his creator, Historical References, Parent-Child Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:07:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29146422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/australia_mate/pseuds/australia_mate
Summary: God is omniscient. She is everywhere, all at once. She stands before her creation, holding it all in her hand, and she loves it. She loves it like she knows nothing else.Her beloved fallen, Raphael, or now known Crowley, cries and yells and shouts for answers he will never be able to understand.He screams, and the instant God sees his heart's stone wall crack one miniscule tinybit, She darts forward.
Relationships: Crowley & God (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	My love for you will never stop

God is omniscient. She is everywhere, all at once. She stands before her creation, holding it all in her hand, and she loves it. She loves it like she knows nothing else.

Her beloved fallen, Raphael, or now known Crowley, cries and yells and shouts for answers he will never be able to understand. All want answers like Crowley, but what is the answer is a constant inability to understand, no one capable except Her.

He screams, and the instant God sees his heart's stone wall crack one miniscule tiny _bit_ , She darts forward.

For all the hearts closed on Her, for all the people who refuse Her, She never stops waiting by their door, begging and pleading for it to open. Her love never stops, and it's in no case different for Crowley.

###### 

"Where are you?! Where were you when the first ever angel who rose up to defy you came bursting out of the ground, eyes red and wings flared for the end of the world?!" Crowley would never think he'd ever be in a church again, but here he is.

He knows, very well, that being in the church makes no difference in communicating with God. You could be in the shops and it wouldn't make any difference. 

He knows She hears everyone from everywhere, but feeling the _burn_ and _blaze_ of the church's pristine marble ground feels deserved. It's deserved and a distraction, the pain nearly as much to match the pain of his own Creator ignoring him.

Or so he likes to think. It's what many like to think when they don't understand.

Crowley throws his tinted glasses to the ground, chest heaving, "You say you love us all," He throws his hands up helplessly, "So what about me?" All this emotion crashes and washes over him, millenias in the making, and the Armegdidn't broke the bottle in him.

He can't bear it anymore, he can't bear to pretend that his existence without his Mother doesn't hurt. Like his whole being isn't aching every second as he continues his lightless and stumbling around existence.

He grits his teeth, and it's so much easier to keep letting that rage flow at the Lord Almighty, "You never loved me! You let me fall, you didn't try anything but cast me out for questions!" His demon corporal form is screaming at him to get _out_ from the church, to leave, lest it kill him.

But he'd rather die forever if he couldn't remember one last time his Mother's face, Her warmth, Her love.

"I'm so lost, please! I don't even know what I fucking want.. No, I do!" Crowley falls to his knees, making the mad pain crash even more so inside of him. "I want you to answer me! Just once! Surely you can do that, O'Lord Almighty! Don't you forgive all? Or am I just that unforgiveable!"

He feels like a child throwing a tantrum, but the stakes are much higher. He has so much anger and he's throwing it all at God, wanting to have Her feel just how much She's hurt him.

And all that anger he's thrown at her is gone, spent, and he covers his face with his hands. " _Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath._ " His throat claws with a million knives at the holy words and he hates himself, and for a second his rage returns, before he throws it again at God and he's left with sorrowing guilt and sadness. So he continues.

" _Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?_ " How long does he need to keep on waiting for an answer?

Crowley can't bear the next verse, or the one after, but he weeps and cries and forces it out anyways.

" _Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave?_ " He fears, he fears once he comes to an end legitmately, will She be waiting for him?

The humans fear death, and they should, because once they die, that's it for them. If they've accepted God as their ruler and they submit to them, God saves them. But if they haven't, if they've refused Him or Her, refuse to put their trust in him, God is a rightful judge and casts them down to Hell. She will always be the right judge.

So what about him? He's scared and frightened and like a child, wants his Mother. There are so many things he doesn't know.

His tears drip through his hands and sizzle once they touch the floor. It's a piercing reminder of _no love for a demon._

__

But Crowley refuses that, and wants to fight tooth and nail for something different. " _I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes._ "

__

And Crowley can't handle it anymore, and leans against a pew with burning legs outstretched on the floor, cursing out God. He can't finish the Psalms chapter because he knows the rest will never be true for him.

__

"I love you, God! Damnit, I always have! But I've been so sinful and selfish and _stupid_ that I've been lying to myself. That I don't. Because how can a demon, an unloving mistake of creation EVER be able to love and be loved?!" Crowley curls into himself, the tears never ending.

__

"I'm so sorry, God, please forgive me..." He's spent, exhausted, and he can only manage to whisper feebly the words. But he knows She could still hear them if she paid any attention to him.

__

His heart clenches and feels like fire when he realises he's been talking to nothing. He's truly alone. But he won't try to stop getting God to notice him and forgive him, that's for sure.

And the tiny crack in his heart crumbles open in his silence, his heart is true and it is _yearning_ for guidance, for a light, to not be lost anymore.

He doesn't know it, but She dashes forward, gripping time and reality in Her hand to make it to him.

Crowley startles when the ache in his bones and deep wrongness of being in a church snaps out of existence. Like it was never there and he feels his body weightless.

__

There's panic in him, and fear, and hope, hope for when he lifts his head, will She be there?

__

A gentle breeze runs over him, and sweet words flow into the air that he had previously abused. "Oh, my son, I'll always forgive you when you are true to yourself."

__

Crowley hurries to get up, and is embraced immediately by warm, _motherly_ and _fatherly_ arms. "M- Mother?" He cries, holding onto Her as tightly as he could, suddenly seeing white silk flowing onto the ground around them from the dress his Creator has donned.

"I'm here." She soothes, her body and light and love wrapping around him.

"P- Please, Mother, I love you so much, I need you so much, please forgive me and- and.." It's too much, and Crowley would've collapsed to the floor in a heap of joyful and fearful tears if his ever strong and Almighty God didn't hold him up, always holding onto him.

"I will always forgive you. And I will always love you. I take your anger, your sadness, your fears, and your problems into me, and you will find solace and home. You can cast all your hates and anxiety unto me and I will warm and cherish your heart in return."

Crowley feels free, feels loved, and answered. Some of his questions dwindle away because he can accept not knowing, he doesn't have to know and he might not ever know. All that he does know is that he is _forgiven_ and his heart bursts open.

"Where were you before, Mother? Why did you a-abandon me?" He knows She can answer this and the questions burn in him, and he grips Her like to convey 'Please, answer me or I will continue to be in flames with the unyeilding shadows'.

Crowley can feel Her smile without seeing, now cradled and held in Her chest, "I was always with you, Crowley. I never left, but you weren't letting me in." Crowley grimaces with embarrassment. But he knows it's the truth.

"I was and am by you and with you all of the time, ever since you fell. I never abandoned you, how could I when my love for you matches nothing else? No, realise my dear son, you made that choice and I could only adhere to it. There was no pleasure in your fall."

A moment passed and God gently went down to the floor, taking Crowley with Her, and laid him in Her lap, Her flowing silk reaching and protecting him.

" _Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping._ " Crowley dared opening his eyes in surprise when he heard the Mother of all continue his chapter, but couldn't stop looking at Her now, taking in with blessed honor Her realness and solidness.

She is _here_ , for him, and the holy words from Her lips feel like a song he won't ever want to stop listening to.

" _The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer._ " She went on, " _All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish; they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame._ I like Psalms." Crowley smiles and smiles, balling Her long dress in his hands, coming as close as he can to Her. She's the drink he needs as a dehydrated one, and She knows.

She looks at him and he saw Her ever-knowing eyes, and Her sadness too. He panicked, fearing, but She leant down and kissed his forehead dearly, and he waited. "I am sad, my beautiful son, because it has taken this long for you to come back to me."

Like a child being scolded, Crowley wanted to retort and fight back, but all of that got whiffed out and instead he desperately held onto Her love.

"But I've always loved you and always knew you'd come back to me. My scorching anger on your sins has faded with your repentance, and I welcome you with open arms." "Mother, I.. I feel... overwhelmed. Should I say something?" He didn't know and didn't want to offend Her in his awed silence if that was possible.

"Oh," She laughed, and with it, couples fell in love all over again, "Crowley, feel happy! Rejoice with me, for my son has come home to me." She wrapped around him further in her love, just the two of them in the church.

She came close, like one to whisper a secret, "You will always have a place in Heaven with me, my repented one. You have fallen and that will be the reminder of your sins, but find glory that now your soul is complete and full once more. Call and draw onto me for your strength, and I will always answer."

Crowley feels at peace, and able to let Her go, for Her departure, and does feel the truth of her statement echo in his being. "I love you." He hears for one last time.

The wonder and unknowing of Her grows, where once she was, was now empty and his body never fell down to the ground, but more gently placed down. The tiles of the church didn't burn him anymore and he delighted in their absence.

All he can do now was lay there and sob with elation, heart healed and angers diminished. His serpent eyes laid on the form of God undamaged, his demonic self laid in the lap of God unharmed, and now his life had never felt more clear and brightened.

He grinned, feeling in place with the world, and hurried out. Cheering into the night air, God's happiness on him. He had to tell Aziraphale of all this. He would scream it out to the world with no shame.

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i watched good omens and i liked how FINALLY God was depicted as a 'she'. cause God is I am, and is he and she. we were made in his likeness, he is the alpha and omega, the man and the female. he and she and they are all what we need and i really liked that being conveyed in the show.
> 
> of course, that god in the show isn't accurate to the real God, but nonetheless, it compelled me to write this. this is sort of an indulgent fic because im just pouring out my love for God really haha.


End file.
